I want to remember this feeling.
It’s raining outside, not cold but very wet. It’s been gray for what part of the day I have been awake for, which hasn’t been much but at least I didn’t really miss anything. I’m in a giant green sweater, the bedside table next to me is displaying heresy’s kisses and a homemade candle. The stew tonight will stretch 3 more meals thanks to rice but that’s the least on my mind tonight.
Tonight I’m thinking a thousand things because for once it’s fantastically quite. I’ve been here for hours and no one’s asking me anything. People finally have quit texting me for a moment, and facebook has officially shut up! Now I can think in hopeless circles about life, love, Kierkegaard, and Karen’s youtube video about the 10 dimensions.
I fit in here. Really, I’m no less an oddity then what I was back home but even people like us seem to have our places in the world. I’m happy here. Here on my bed with this thin comforter and my laundry all over the floor. I fit like the yellow paint on the walls which warms the room when the heater doesn’t. I’m alive in this cold grey place. I’m at peace in the silence of my life.
I’m not fully understood…at least not to my understanding. I’m ok, here in the time between times. There’s something so sweet about living in this now, in this very moment of nothing. The wee hours of morning are still apart of late last night; my mind thumbs through these thoughts like a proud librarian her books. I turn conversations over my head with a strangely fond musing. Even as the fool I’m still free. It’s so simple now, knowing this isn’t over yet. This time of thriving is a pure joy. I like being ok in this place. Even if it’s just a breath of fresh air in a long, long, road ahead.
And that’s why I’m writing this now. Now when my heart is so very full and my eyes see in the presents of this bright light. I can accept that I have no idea just how hard what I see down the road could/will be. I don’t want to pretend I’ll do everything right or—yes let’s just leave it at, I feel the uncertainty.
Tonight I want to feel now not what I can project on to the future. I want to remember the feeling of the almighty God in the utter deep silence that overtakes Clay st. in the morning before school. Because I want to hold it in my hands when the world gets too loud. I want to remember the passion and fire in my eyes the roar for justice in my heart when I look out onto stiff-necked crowds and coldhearted communities. I want to remember the feeling of the Father’s heart for His children when everything within me cries out in anger and in hurt. I will refuse to be shocked by their behavior or their apathy. I will refuse to be bitter to callus myself to the love I feel here and now. Let it never come to a day when I forget the moments I have truly and wholly been alive. Never let me forget the faces I have looked across, the lives I have witnessed when I knew I was truly in love the faces of Jesus. I resolve to love.
Years from this moment, you may not feel what I’ve described just now. Maybe you will only feel the hurt and numbness of whatever we will cross. I don’t expect even now to come out unscathed, I know my God is good and in this place I am home. Years from now I imagine you will find the me of the past quite silly and that I am quite too innocent and naïve. Laugh all you want I’m here now and so were you!
Remember, you where 19 (newly), and this was your first year beginning to be alone. You had just come back from Arcata where you saw the hand of God that our whole lives will deepened on and revolve around. You had life and hope and people to run beside. Remember me.
Today is Tuesday 3/15/11, you are alive.