The week in which I size up my demise and also become and adult.

This was the longest week, ever.

I've felt every hour.

I tried to sleep through it.  Getting 8.5 hours a night is a feat when the alarm clock goes off at 3:00 a.m.  But I'm used to it.  Really.  5 p.m. and I'm ready for sleep to take me.  I curl up (because my heater is broken) and am more than happy to close my eyes--this week all the more. Oh sweet sleep.  Sleep in this job was a treat I got to enjoy all for myself.

I'm finding it more and more apparent that my lack of confidence has ensured some rather "bad habits."  I'm going to call them that because my mind honestly wants to call them personality deficiencies and that simply will not do.  I'll never hear the end of it.  So for now I'll say that these "little bad habits" are more of a social handy capt than anything. A glass ceiling to the perceived adulthood I wish to aspire.

Aspire? Aspire you say? Yes.

I aspire to not be helped as some dear lost soul.  For those around me not to glow with pride when I fumblingly answer a question.  For your information Mr./Ms. Do-good, I am annoyed at your incompetence not shy. I am peeved at your inability to connect dots that have lead me to a thought 5 minutes back which is now interrupted by the requirement you felt needed to re-informing your wise and mature mind.  Thank you.  I'm so happy you stepped aside and "let me have my time" that I may grow flushed and feel a fool while you applause your excellent discipleship skills.  Totally feel discipled right now.

I wish I didn't have acne and such independent hair, then people would stop feeling bad for me.  Then my stumbling for words would be dismissed as the exhaustion that it actually is, not the obvious helplessness it gives off.  I mean as a girl my options are limited to bimbo and dunce, I'd still take my chances with bimbo.

I wish people would card before lecturing me on my friendship abilities.  Or perhaps put a little plaque on the wall explaining that I must be born after such and such a date before my lack of experience in hypothetical discussions cease to nullify my thoughts.

I wish I could turn in my responsibility to be a considerate (compliant) person like a V-card and replace it with feelings of rejection at every whiff of wind.  Yes, I am that nerd longing to be the cheerleader. With flauntingly short skirts of emotions, beguiling ways with everyone; the feeling whore.

As for these personality deficiencies "bad habits" at 21 I aspire to be more confident.  To bullshit my impenetrable fine-ness better.  To manipulate more smoothly.  I aspire like all, to be Miss America, I am an advocate for PEACE. My peace. So here's to 21, to responsibility, in capabilities, to everyone shutting up.